River Song

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The following contains spoilers through Doctor Who, Season 6, Ep. 2: Day of the Moon. Orig. Air date 4/30/11


A list of facts about River Song with some extra goodies thrown in:

River Song has a six shooter.

She shoots the astronaut five times, and misses five times.

What happened to the sixth bullet? She used it to shoot the Stetson off the Doctor’s head.

What I want to know is: how does a woman with the impeccable aim of River Song—who can shoot Stetson’s off of people’s heads without, you know, killing them—miss an astronaut walking slowly in to a lake. Five times. (Even if a spacesuit is bullet-proof—who knows—wouldn’t the astronaut have jolted if it had been hit by something as fast moving as a bullet?)

As General Shan says in The Blind Banker (Sherlock, not Who, but relevant logic): “What does it tell you when an assassin cannot shoot straight?… It tells you that they’re not really trying.”

No, River Song is not technically an assassin (as far as we know). But the Doctor does say: She “has her own gun, and unlike me she really doesn’t mind shooting people…She’ll definitely kill at least the first three of you.”

River Song killed a man. A good man. The best man she ever knew.

Doctor says to the astronaut before the astronaut kills him: “It’s okay. I know it’s you.”

(There are other facts about the astronaut that make this train of thought seem unnecessarily suspicious. But, I’m not ruling it out quite yet. River Song is a clever, tricksy girl.)

(Amy, unskilled with a gun, in a state of emotional distress, without really knowing that she’s shooting someone, manages to hit the astronaut in the helmet. The helmet punctures.)

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